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Fathers, Failures, and the Future

SItting here in my lonely room, day after day (to steal a Badfinger lyric) I have been thinking about things in my life.

Especially failure.

Some fathers are failures because they drink, or are abusive. Others are failures because they travel too much and aren't there when the kids grow up. Some fail because work is everything, others because work is nothing.  Some because of drugs.

Then there is my kind of failure. I have failed my child because I have managed to pick the wrong kinds of women to pair up with. Oh, to be sure, my kid wouldn't be here if I hadn't picked their mother, even that turned out to be a failure.  And yes, even my kids existence is because of a failure - a failure to refrain from somehting that mom didn't want "us" to do.

I wouldn't trade my kid for love nor money. But I know I have failed her.  I have failed her in so many different ways, from the marriage to her mom falling apart, to once again picking someone that, as far as I can tell, is only in it for what SHE can get out of it.

Funny, I didn't believe her when she said that she wouldn't come find me if I should "disappear" for a bit, yet I did believe her when she led me to believe that we were on the same page as far as the ranch was concerned.  I should have flipped them and then I would have been right.

So I talked about fathers (or at least being one) and failure - being one of those, too.  But what about the future.

Well.  The future. No one knows for certain what the future will hold.  I just know that I am going to try to make the remaining time on this earth productive, fun, rewarding, and impactful.

I don't think I have had much of an impact on anyone in this life yet.  So I am going to try to begin to do so.

I want to have a positive impact, or impression on people. I want to have friends. Lots of friends.  Lots of people that care about me.  Currently, I can count 2 maybe 3 people that I know locally as friends.  And one of those might actually fall into the "acquaintence" category, instead.

Not one of the people I know, friends or acquaintences, has told me that if I dropped off the face of the earth, they would at least attempt in some small way to find me, or contact me.  I need a couple of people like that.  And at least one of them should be female.

My time here on earth grows short.  While my mind most days believes that I am only in my 30's, my body tells me otherwise.  I'm working on the body thing.  Some days I get it to the point where I feel in my 40's, but I want to feel that way all the time. And I don't want to just feel that way. I want to be able to use my body that way, also.

So there's the future. The grand plan is to turn failure into success.  Or at least not failure.

Oh, and the paperwork is ready.




Life goes on.

Yes, it's been over a year since I created an entry here.  Sadly, I should have done so a lot longer ago than this.  But, oh well.  Here I am now.

So many problems.  I have been in a state of "the blues" for a number of months now, and it's pissing me off.  Yeah, that sounds like an oxymoron, but it's not.  And while these "blues" have been going on for quite some time, I don't think I need chemical help to get through them.  What I need is to generate success in my life. Even in some small way.

And I need to kick the failures to the curb, and get over them.  This will be the hardest part of it all.  Some of the failures of my life are still hanging around from 15 - 20 years ago.  Of course, some are only a few months "old" but I need to get rid of them - get over them. Or as the Eagles said, "Get over it!"

I need to get over the fact that I've now had 2 marriages that have not turned out the way I thought they would.  And yes, some of that is indeed my fault.  If for no other reason than for believing and depending on the veracity and truthfulness of what someone said or led me to believe.  But that's not my only failure in these relationships.  Part of my failure is in believing what people said about me - that I'm a failure (ok, perhaps this was not said using those words, or even verbalized, but .... there are ways of saying things without words), that I'm lazy, that I'm not very smart, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I don't deserve respect, etc...

To which I am attempting to call bullshit.

Yes, there are actual things I could have done batter,but that does not make me a failure!  It makes me human!

The question has been posed, over the last 2-3 months, "Do I want to me married?"  Specifically, "do I want to be married to the woman I am married to?"  And here's one of the issues that I've had throughout this marriage:

I don't feel - I don't get the impression - I don't get the "message" that I am actually loved for me.  That I am loved because of my person, rather than my paycheck.  I don't get the message that I am actually wanted for anything other than the money I bring, and the chores I can do.

The question in my mind really is, "does she want to be married to me, and for what reason(s)?  And do I believe those reasons are genuine, and are those reasons acceptable to me?"

So we've been in "counseling" (of a sort) and there have been assignments that we were supposed to do.  Weekly.  Read parts of scripture and write a few paragraphs or sentences on how God is speaking to us through this scripture.  I was told that she said it would "Speak love" to her if I did these assignments every week and got them turned in on time.  So I did.

Apparently, it isn't enough. Now I'm supposed to give her money and then go over and "do nice things for her, like mow the lawn, etc..."

Hmmmm.  Isn't this exactly what I WAS doing?  And that wasn't good enough?

I will say this. In one area she has certainly been true to her word.  She said that she would not come find me if I should "disappear" ... and she hasn't.  In fact, she has spread the word that she couldn't!  She didn't know how to contact me! Of course, now that I have pointed out the disingenuousness of that position, she has begun to backpedal.

The real, honest answer to the question posed by the counselor? No.  I don't.  I don't want to be married to someone that doesn't pursue me at all, ever and discourages me from pursuing her.  Someone that says I am too fat to have sex with (when I'm not much heavier than just after we got married ... and yet, I'm sure she is much more so than I), someone that acts as if I am not the leader of the family and does not respect me (who has said as much, and I suspect is backing away from that statement, as well, by saying either she didn't say it, or I heard it wrong)

So, no.  I don't. I don't want to be married any longer.

There. I've said it. Finally.

So, there are indeed changes afoot.