Sitting here in my lonely room, day after day (to steal a Badfinger lyric) I have been thinking about things in my life.
Some fathers are failures because they drink, or are abusive. Others are failures because they travel too much and aren't there when the kids grow up. Some fail because work is everything, others because work is nothing. Some because of drugs.
Then there is my kind of failure. I have failed my child because I have managed to pick the wrong kinds of women to pair up with. Oh, to be sure, my kid wouldn't be here if I hadn't picked their mother, even that turned out to be a failure. And yes, even my kids existence is because of a failure - a failure to refrain from somehting that mom didn't want "us" to do.
I wouldn't trade my kid for love nor money. But I know I have failed her. I have failed her in so many different ways, from the marriage to her mom falling apart, to once again picking someone that, as far as I can tell, is only in it for what SHE can get out of it.
Funny, I didn't believe her when she said that she wouldn't come find me if I should "disappear" for a bit, yet I did believe her when she led me to believe that we were on the same page as far as the ranch was concerned. I should have flipped them and then I would have been right.
So I talked about fathers (or at least being one) and failure - being one of those, too. But what about the future.
Well. The future. No one knows for certain what the future will hold. I just know that I am going to try to make the remaining time on this earth productive, fun, rewarding, and impactful.
I don't think I have had much of an impact on anyone in this life yet. So I am going to try to begin to do so.
I want to have a positive impact, or impression on people. I want to have friends. Lots of friends. Lots of people that care about me. Currently, I can count 2 maybe 3 people that I know locally as friends. And one of those might actually fall into the "acquaintence" category, instead.
Not one of the people I know, friends or acquaintences, has told me that if I dropped off the face of the earth, they would at least attempt in some small way to find me, or contact me. I need a couple of people like that. And at least one of them should be female.
My time here on earth grows short. While my mind most days believes that I am only in my 30's, my body tells me otherwise. I'm working on the body thing. Some days I get it to the point where I feel in my 40's, but I want to feel that way all the time. And I don't want to just feel that way. I want to be able to use my body that way, also.
So there's the future. The grand plan is to turn failure into success. Or at least not failure.
Oh, and the paperwork is ready.